


Kobayashi Maru

by desperately_seeking_words



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Season/Series 13, Season/Series 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 15:27:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15099623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desperately_seeking_words/pseuds/desperately_seeking_words
Summary: In the past week since Dean has been free of Michael, the Winchesters have taken it pretty easy even though there are questions that everyone has about how exactly Dean got free.  Tensions between Dean and Cas are high, but Dean can't remember what happened to make the angel avoid him like the plague.  Everything comes to a head when all Dean wants is a happy Thanksgiving dinner with his family, and what he gets is an ultimatum and the looming deaths of everyone that he cares about.





	Kobayashi Maru

**Author's Note:**

> Kobayashi Maru is a Star Trek reference, by the way, in case you didn't know. I hope you enjoy!

Dean wakes up from another dream about Michael obscured by a haze.  He remembers bits and pieces about the moment he booted the archangel from his meat suit, but not enough.  He remembers opening his eyes and seeing Cas there, hovering above him, and absolutely pale with fear.

As he pulls himself out of bed, he tries not to think about the fact that he and Cas have barely spoken to one another since.

Dean digs through his drawers to pull out jeans, a t-shirt, and his green flannel.  He quickly changes into them and grabs his wallet before walking out the door. This is the first time he can remember in a long time that his family has been together under one roof: Mary was back from a hunt with Bobby, and Cas, Sam, and Jack were home and safe.  Despite the tension between him and Cas, he’s in a celebrating mood. 

Dean practically bounces into the kitchen.  Sam looks up at him and grins. “Someone’s in a good mood,” Sam comments with a laugh in his voice.

Dean shrugs as he pours himself a cup of coffee.  “Why wouldn’t I be? Mike took a hike, and I have my family all in one place.  It’s a good day,” he says with a smile as he takes a sip. “So I say let’s make the most of it.”

Sam raises his eyebrows.  “Okay, what did you have in mind?”

Dean grins.  “Sam, do you know what day it is?”

“Do you? You’ve been sleeping almost 24/7 since we got you back.”

Dean rolls his eyes.  “It’s _Thanksgiving_.”

Sam shakes his head.  “You can’t possibly mean-”

Dean nods vigorously.  “Oh yes, Sam. I do mean.”

“Mean what?” Jack asks as he steps into the kitchen with a somber looking Cas in tow.

Dean tries to ignore the twinge that his stomach makes when he locks eyes with Cas.  He swallows hard and pastes a smile on his face once more. “We’re going to have Thanksgiving dinner, and we’re going to do it right.”

 

**~SUPERNATURAL~**  

**“Kobayashi Maru”**

 

“Just so you know, I don’t have a whole lot of experience making Thanksgiving dinner,” Mary confesses as she and Dean walk through the aisles at the local grocery store.

“No big deal, we’ll figure it out.” Dean grins at her.  “Besides, I’m a bit of an Iron Chef.”

“Is that so?” Mary smiles.  “Okay then, if you’re such a pro, then why did you wait until Thanksgiving Day to get a turkey?  You know that there is no way you’ll get it done in time, right?”

“Wow, I didn’t know you had such little faith in me,” Dean says with mock offense.  “I got the turkey a couple of days ago. It’s currently in the oven.”

Mary raises her eyebrows.  “When did you do that? I didn’t realize you had even left the bunker.”

“Lines at the grocery store are shortest late at night.”

Mary nods.  “Fair enough.”

“We’re just here to get a few of the other necessities. Most notably, the wine.”  When Mary looks surprised, Dean holds up a finger to stop her from interjecting. “Thanksgiving is classy.  It’s got to be wine.”

Mary shrugs.  “No argument from me.”

“Good. Now, I say we split up.  You get the green beans, potatoes, and stuffing; I’ll get the fun grape juice.”

As Mary departs with a smile, Dean heaves a contented sigh.  Life is good for the first time in a very long time.

 

* * *

 

Sam leans against the doorway to the library and watches Cas as he slowly flips through the pages.  Neither Dean or Cas will say it, but something went down when Michael got booted that has them both shaken up.  Sam is willing to bet that Dean doesn’t quite remember the specifics seeing as how Dean looks confused every time he notices Cas avoiding him, but Cas is fully aware of whatever it is.  Sam frowns.

“Is there nothing on TV?” Cas asks without looking up from his book.

Sam clears his throat and pushes off from the doorframe.  “What are you reading?”

“I’m working my way through the classics.”

“I thought Metatron gave you the full download?” Sam asks. 

“I’d like to experience them for myself,” Cas tells him.  “A story means something different for everyone. I have a tendency not to trust Metatron’s interpretations.”

Sam huffs a laugh.  “Fair enough. So which one are you on now?”

Cas hesitates before closing the book just enough for Sam to see the cover. _Pride and Prejudice_ by Jane Austen. 

Sam looks surprised.  “How are you liking it?”

“The dialogue is very sharp,” Cas admits, and says no more on the subject as he opens the book again. 

Sam pauses for a moment before taking a seat opposite him.  “Are you okay?” 

Cas looks up at Sam with a slightly irritated expression.  “You keep asking me that.”

“Only because you’re acting very much _not_ okay.” 

Cas shakes his head.  “Not being in the mood for small talk doesn’t mean that I’m not okay.”

Sam has to bite down on a groan.  “Fine, just...if you ever need to talk-”

“Yeah. Got it. Thank you, Sam.”

Sam knows a dismissal when he hears one.  Despite his frustration, he tries not to hold it against him.  Cas is going through something, and he’s not ready to share just yet.  Sam gets up from the table and heads out of the library, and he does not see when Cas looks up from his book to watch him go, wearing the most torn up expression before looking back at his book and schooling his expression once more.

 

* * *

 

Dean hustles around the kitchen making final preparations.  Considering all they had to go off of were some old cookbooks from the library and how-to guides on the Internet, everything is smelling delicious, but then again he might be a bit biased.  

“I missed seeing you in the kitchen,” Sam says as he steps in.   

“I bet,” Dean replies, “considering you have the culinary prowess of a 9-year-old with an Easy Bake Oven.”

“Ouch,” Sam says.  “Well, despite that, can I help with anything?”

Dean nods.  “Sure, why not? Even you can’t mess up setting the table.” 

Sam rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

 

* * *

 

Jack stares at Cas as Mary walks out of the room to call Bobby and check in.  Cas glances back at him warily.

“So, how are you feeling?” Jack asks. 

Cas sighs.  “I’m really very tired of people asking me that.” 

“Now that Dean is back,” Jack pushes, not having the tact that Sam does, “how do you feel?”

Cas glances in the direction of the kitchen, then to where Mary made her exit, before looking back at Jack without saying anything. 

“I mean, after everything you went through when he was gone and in getting him back-” 

“Jack,” Cas interrupts, “I’m fine.” 

Jack stares at him with an air of skepticism.

“More than fine,” Cas continues, “Dean is home.  That’s all I ever wanted.” 

“Is it?” Jack asks, squinting at him. 

Cas looks as if he has been slapped. 

Mary chooses that moment to step back into the war room.  “Bobby won’t be able to make it, but he’ll stop by next week to check in,” she informs them as she sits down.

Cas nods and pushes back from the table.  “I’ll, uh, be in my room.” 

Mary looks startled.  “Dinner is almost ready.” 

“I don’t eat,” Cas declares as he walks away without looking back.

Just as Cas makes his exit, Dean steps into the room holding a beautiful roasted turkey on a platter.  “Prepare to be dazzled,” Dean says as he places the platter down in the middle of the table with a flourish.  He looks up with a smile, but when he notices Cas’s empty seat, the smile falls right off his face. “Where’s Cas?” 

Mary gives him a sad look.  “He’s in his room.” 

Jack stares down at the table.  “I think that’s my fault. I was trying to ask him how he was doing, but-” 

“Don’t beat yourself up,” Sam says while throwing a cautious look at Dean.  “He has been acting strangely for a while. It’s not your fault.” 

Dean shakes his head.  “I’m gonna go talk to him,” he declares as he starts to set off in that direction. 

Sam puts a hand on his shoulder.  “Wait, Dean. Whatever it is that’s bothering him, he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it.”

Dean looks at him.  “Too bad. This is Thanksgiving, and the _whole_ family needs to be here.”  Dean continues walking towards the bedrooms and Sam allows his hand to fall down to his side. 

Jack stares longingly at the turkey, and Mary smiles.  “We have to wait,” Mary tells him. 

“I know. Doesn’t make it any easier,” Jack grumbles.

 

* * *

 

Cas sits in his bed and stares down at the archangel blade in his hands.  He rolls it over in his hands and traces the blade with his forefinger. He remembers the moment that Dean kicked Michael out with crystal clear clarity, and he remembers holding the archangel blade in his hand.  He remember holding it to Michael’s heart, knowing that he should plunge it in deep, only to be stopped by the fact that it wasn’t Michael’s heart at all: it was Dean’s. And he could never do anything that would harm Dean’s heart. 

Which, considering what he did, he might as well have plunged the blade into his own heart.

There’s a knock at the door, and Cas already knows who’s behind it.  He tucks the archangel blade back into his jacket just before Dean walks through the door.

“What gives?” Dean asks without preamble.  “Dinner is ready.” 

“I don’t eat,” Cas reminds him.

“Yeah, well, I don’t like _This Is Us_ but I still watch it because Sam does.”

Cas sighs and says nothing. 

Dean walks over and sits opposite him on the bed.  “So what’s eating you, man?” 

Cas shakes his head.  “Dean…” 

“Something happened when I booted Michael.  I get that. I get that’s why you’ve been avoiding me.”  Dean ducks his head to force Cas to look him in the eye. “You gotta talk to me.  Because this?” Dean indicates between the two of them with his hand. “It bothers me.” 

Cas looks regretful at the very least.  “I’m not trying to ‘bother’ you-” 

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Dean sighs and rolls his eyes up to avoid Cas’s gaze.  “I was gone for a long time, and I missed my family. Now it feels like I’ve got everyone back except you.”  He finally brings his gaze back down to meet Cas’s. “I miss you, even though you’re right in front of me.” 

Cas swallows hard and looks down.  “I’m sorry, Dean.” He shrugs his shoulders in an alarmingly human gesture of defeat.  “I’m just...struggling with the weight of decisions I had to make while you were gone.” 

Dean nods.  “I can understand that.” 

“No,” Cas tells him in a small voice, “you can’t.”

Dean frowns.  “Talk to me, Cas.” 

“I can’t. Not yet.”

Dean feels a tremendous pressure on his chest that he can’t explain.  “Well,” he begins, his voice strained, “when you are ready…?”

Cas looks up at him.  “I promise.” 

Dean places a hand on Cas’s shoulder.  “Still, I insist that you join us for dinner, even if you don’t eat.  I want the whole family together. It’s _Thanksgiving_.” 

Cas stands from the bed and Dean follows suit.  “Of course,” Cas tells him with a small smile, and Dean does his best to focus on that instead of the sadness behind his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Dean stands at the head of the table with a fork and a carving knife in hand.  He beams at his family gathered around the table. “Well, let’s dig in.” 

“Wait,” Mary says.  “Shouldn’t we toast first? I mean, you were the one that wanted all the bells and whistles.”

Dean shrugs.  “Sure, I guess.”  He puts down the knife and fork for a moment and picks up his wine glass. The others follow suit.  “I’m not one for corny speeches, but here goes: I’m glad you’re all here. This is the best I’ve felt in a really long time.”  He locks eyes with all of them and ends with Cas, holding his gaze. “I’m so thankful for you.” 

Cas gives him a small smile. 

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Sam calls out, and the clanking of glasses signals that it’s time to drink, and Dean is more than happy for it. 

Dean carves the turkey and everyone gets their share.  They all dig in except for Cas, who sits quietly and sips his wine with a stoic but content expression on his face as he listens to the rest of the family carry on a conversation.  He and Dean catch each other’s eyes multiple times over the course of the dinner, and each time Dean’s stomach twinges with that same unease that he felt this morning. He feels like the memory of what happened between them is just on the verge of coming to light, but he can’t quite grasp it and it’s frustrating.

“Dean, this is so good,” Jack tells him around a mouthful of turkey and stuffing.  He grins, and his cheeks pudge out because they are so full. This makes Dean smile and Sam outright cackle. 

Cas leans towards him.  “It’s typically frowned upon to talk with your mouthful,” Cas admonishes him fondly.

Jack swallows.  “Oh. Right.” 

“Only in public,” Dean says.  “Here, feel free.” 

“Dean,” Mary chides, “we’re supposed to encourage good habits.” 

“Yeah, well, I never said I was a role model.” Dean locks eyes with Cas again, recalling a conversation from a few years before.  Cas looks away, choosing instead to smile at Jack. Dean tries not to let it bother him. 

And that’s when it happens: the entire scene freezes.  Sam has a spoonful of stuffing halfway to his mouth, Mary is taking a large gulp of wine, Jack is devouring turkey, and Cas is smiling fondly at him. Dean, though? Dean is the only one still mobile.

“What the hell,” Dean mutters. 

“You didn’t actually think you’d be able to have this, did you?” 

Dean’s blood runs cold.   

“I thought you had learned by now Dean,” John Winchester says as he rounds the corner and enters the war room.  “You don’t get to have a happy ending.” 

“You’re not my dad,” Dean growls.

“No,” the man who looks like John agrees, “but I find him a fitting substitute.  For now.” 

“Michael.”  Dean knows it, but he doesn’t understand it.  Why in the world would John Winchester say yes to Michael? Why would Michael go through the trouble of resurrecting him? 

“Let’s see,” Michael ponders as he looks over each member of Dean’s family.  “Which pressure points should I poke at to make you let me in again?” 

“That’s not going to happen,” Dean tells him. 

“Except I know what makes you tick,” Michael says as he leans against the back of Sam’s chair and drapes his arms on either one of his shoulders.  He places two hands on either side of Sam’s head. “What if I snapped his neck?” 

Dean grits his teeth and says nothing. 

“What about this one?” Michael says, moving on to Cas.  He places a hand on Cas’s cheek. “After that moving display last week I’d guess this one would hurt pretty bad.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean asks. 

Michael grins at him.  “You don’t remember? Oh, that’s even better.  Now you’ll never know.” He pulls out an angel blade and holds it to Cas’s throat. 

“Wait,” Dean pleads. 

Michael’s smile is absolutely predatory.  “You know the magic word, Dean.” 

Dean shakes his head.  “I can’t, I…” 

Michael withdraws.  “Here’s what’s going to happen, champ.”  He walks up to Dean and leans against the table next to him.  “I’ll give you...one hour. One hour to make up your mind. But after that time, if you don’t say yes…” Michael glances over at Dean’s family.  “They’ll all die. And I’ll make you watch.” 

Dean stares at him in horror, but when Michael snaps his fingers, he disappears, and everyone resumes what they were doing.  Dean blinks back the tears that are burning behind his eyes as he watches Sam eat his stuffing, Cas wipe a stray drop off gravy off Jack’s chin with a napkin, and Mary sigh contentedly after finishing her sip of wine. 

Dean feels so far away from them that he can’t breathe.

 

* * *

 

“So, let me see if I got this right,” Sam says, his brow furrowed with concern.  “Michael is possessing dad, and you have one hour to say yes to him, or you’ll have to watch all of us die.” 

Mary looks haunted and says nothing. 

“Yeah,” Dean confirms, his voice cracking. 

“Wow.” 

“Yeah.” 

Mary leans her elbows onto the table.  “Then we stop him,” she says, her voice trembling. 

“Easier said than done,” Dean says. 

“Without the archangel blade, we don’t stand a chance,” Jack reminds her. 

“And who knows where that ended up.  Michael probably still has it stashed away somewhere for this precise reason,” Sam laments. 

Dean looks over at Cas, who is suddenly very interested in his own hands.  “You’re awfully quiet.” 

Cas looks up.  “What do you want me to say?”

Dean turns himself fully towards Cas.  “You’re a strategist. Strategize.”

 Cas frowns. “You want me to outthink Michael?” 

“I want you to _try_ ,” Dean snaps.

Cas shakes his head and stands. “There is no trying here, Dean.  He’s stronger. He’s faster. He’s _better_.”

“Okay, easy there, Daft Punk,” Dean bites back, standing up and stepping towards Cas.  “Since when are you a defeatist?” 

Cas opens his mouth to say something, but he can’t bring himself to.  Instead, he turns and walks away. 

“Yeah, fine, go.  We don’t need your pessimism mucking up this operation anyway,” Dean shouts after him. 

“Dean,” Sam warns.

“What? He’s the one being a cry baby about God knows what.” 

“Let’s just focus, okay?” Mary redirects, placing a calming hand on Dean’s arm.  “Maybe if we can’t kill him, we can trap him.” 

“What, like, in holy fire?” Sam asks.  “Even if we did, it wouldn’t last forever.  He’s powerful and he would be able to get free sooner or later, with my bet being on _sooner_.” 

“It’s the best we have right now,” Mary says, “unless you have a better idea.” 

“What if we put him in the cage?” Jack suggests.  “You said that the other Michael is stuck down there.  That means it’s strong enough to hold this Michael too.” 

Mary winces.  “Then John will be trapped down there too.” 

Dean and Sam exchange glances.  It’s less than ideal. 

Mary shakes her head to stop the tears.  “But, if I know John, and I do…” she takes a long sip from her wine glass.  “This is what he would want us to do if it meant saving each other. And the world.” 

Dean nods solemnly.  “You’re right.” 

Sam sighs.  “I’ll call Rowena.” 

As Sam steps away, Mary nudges Dean.  “If this goes sideways,” Mary says, “do you really want things to end like this?” She jerks her head in the direction of where Cas went. 

Dean scrubs a hand down his face.  He feels so damn tired. “Come grab me if you need me,” he says before setting off towards Cas’s room for the second time today.

 

* * *

 

Dean doesn’t even get to the bedrooms because Cas is standing in the library staring at a bookshelf.  Dean walks towards him.

“I know you said you’re not ready to talk about whatever this is,” Dean says, “and I’m sorry, but we’re running out of time here.  I need you, and this issue is getting in the way.” 

Cas runs a hand over the spines of the books in front of him.  “I’ve been reading a lot of classics lately.” 

“Cas, this really isn’t the time-” 

“I find that literature helps me to better understand myself,” Cas continues, ignoring Dean’s redirection.  “But it’s not telling me what I want to hear.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting at.” 

Cas turns around.  “I’m ashamed, Dean.  Can’t you see that? I can’t bear to look at you because I’m just so _ashamed_ of what I’ve done.” 

“And what did you do, Cas?” Dean asks, stepping towards him.  “We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of. I’ve done things I’m ashamed of.  But that doesn’t stop me from trying.”

Cas shakes his head.  “You don’t get it.” Cas reaches into his coat and withdraws the archangel blade, much to Dean’s surprise.  “I had him. I could have killed him.” He clenches his fist around the hilt before handing it to Dean. “But I didn’t.  I couldn’t.” 

Dean swallows hard.  “Cas, this isn’t your fault.” 

“Isn’t it?” Cas asks, his eyes wild.  “You were fighting him, somehow. It was the perfect distraction.  All I had to do was end him while you held him off, and I couldn’t.  Now look at what’s happening.” Cas turns away. “But I can’t save the world if it means losing you. And I’m ashamed.  Ashamed that I couldn’t save your family. Ashamed that I couldn’t save you from the pain this must be bringing you.” 

Dean steps closer to him even though his back is still turned.  “What did these classics tell you that you didn’t want to hear?” 

“I already said it once.  Don’t make me do it again.” 

“Cas, please.” 

Cas takes a shuddering breath before turning to him again.  He steels himself and looks into Dean’s eyes. “I love you.” 

Dean stares at him, and in that moment, he remembers.  He remembers Cas’s voice saying those words, giving him the strength to fight back against Michael.  He remembers hearing Cas yell out to him, his voice choked with emotion, as his heart fought against logic to keep from killing Dean to save the world. 

“Wow,” Dean gasps out.  “I remember.” 

Cas backs away, that look of shame rising up again.  “I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas says softly as his back hits the bookshelf.  “I never meant for this to happen.” 

Dean steps closer again.  “You really don’t get it, do you?” Dean grabs Cas by the shoulders.  “You can be such a dumbass.” 

Cas looks as if he’s about to argue, but before he can, Dean leans down towards him, and instead of arguing, Cas meets his lips.  The first kiss is tentative on both sides, as this is brand new territory for them, but the second has much more feeling behind it.  Dean drops the archangel blade as he places both hands on Cas’s waist and pushes him into the bookcase. After a moment, Cas manhandles Dean so that it’s Dean’s back pressed against the bookcase, and this elicits a laugh from Dean before Cas captures his lips again.

They part for a brief moment, and they just smile at each other.  Just as Dean leans forward to pick up where they left off, Cas’s eyes go wide and he gasps.  Dean slides out from between him and the bookshelf to see Cas on the receiving end of the archangel blade, courtesy of Michael. 

“No!” Dean screams. 

Michael laughs as Cas burns out and falls to the ground.  “Your hour is up.”

 

* * *

 

Dean stares at Cas’s corpse, and he flashes back to the last time he had to watch Cas die.  His lungs feel like they’re going to burst and there is no force on this earth that could stop the tears that are already dripping down his cheeks.  Cas is gone. Again. 

And they had just found their way back to each other. 

“At least you can say that you remembered what happened before the end, huh?” Michael sneers.  “How sweet. The Righteous Man and his fallen angel. So poetic.” 

“You shut your mouth,” Dean snarls. 

“Shall we continue the party?” Michael asks, taking a menacing step towards Dean.  

“Dean!” Jack cries out as he runs into the room.  Jack’s eyes fly to Cas and he immediately tries to go to his side, but Michael intercepts him. 

“Sorry about your dad, kiddo,” Michael jokes.  He quickly guts him with the archangel blade and tosses him next to Cas.  “Say hi to him for me when you see him again.” 

Jack cradles his stomach with one arm and wraps his other around Cas in a protective gesture.  It makes Dean’s heart hurt. 

Dean lets out what can only be described as a whimper when he sees Sam and Mary rush into the room.  “Please, no, no more, _please_ …” 

“Say it, Dean. Say the word.”

Tears run freely down Dean’s cheeks.  He absently registers the fact that Sam and Mary are running at them, telling him not to, but before Michael can hurt them any more, Dean closes his eyes and says a quiet, “yes.” 

There is a beat where everything is completely quiet.  Eventually, Dean opens his eyes, and he sees that everything has been frozen again.  He steps away from Michael and surveys the scene: Jack and Cas are still and covered in blood, and Mary and Sam look frantic in their attempts to get to Dean. 

It’s a nightmare. 

“I knew you’d say it in the end.”

Dean whirls around at that familiar voice.  A feeling of betrayal settles deep in his gut.  “Rowena...why…?” 

“None of it is real,” Rowena assures him, her expression pinched with pain.  “But I had to show you how this ends.”

“No,” Dean says.  “I see what this is.  This is the Kobayashi Maru.  A no-win scenario. But what the hell for?” 

“Don’t you see?” Rowena asks.  “When you’re, well, _you_ , these are the things you have to deal with.  There are no happy endings. You can’t have it all.  Especially when Michael is gunning for you and he knows _exactly_ how to push your buttons.” 

“Then what would you have me do, huh?” Dean asks, his voice getting hysterical. 

“I would have you harden that gooey little heart of yours,” Rowena tells him.  “Don't give him an inch.” 

“You’re asking me not to be human.” 

“No, Dean. I’m asking you to be a soldier.  A leader. Because if Michael can beat Lucifer, than you better believe he’s capable of being even _worse_ than Lucifer.”  Rowena puts a hand on his cheek.  “As much as I wish things could be different, here’s the reality: your love for them keeps you from saving the world, and it goes both ways.”

Dean thinks about Cas’s in ability to finish Michael, and he realizes that, as awful as it is, she might be right. 

“You can’t have it all,” Rowena repeats mournfully, “so you have to ask yourself: what are you willing to sacrifice in order to save the rest of humanity?” 

Dean looks away, and in the next moment, Rowena snaps her fingers, and everything goes dark.

 

* * *

 

Dean comes back to awareness in the kitchen.  It’s still Thanksgiving. The turkey is almost done.  The table is set, and everything is okay again. 

Just to double check, Dean runs out into the war room.  Everyone looks at him curiously, except Cas, whose back is to him and is walking away.  He opens his mouth to call him back, but he recalls what Rowena said: _“Harden that gooey little heart of yours.”_  

He closes his mouth and watches as Cas walks away. 

“I think that’s my fault,” Jack says, just like last time. “I was trying-”

“It’s not your fault,” Dean says, interrupting him.  “Just leave him be.” 

Sam looks startled.  “Don’t you want him here for dinner?” 

Dean bites back what he wants to say.  “He doesn’t eat. Besides, if he wants space, we should give him space.  He’ll be fine.”

 

* * *

 

Mary and Jack are finishing up cleaning the table as Sam walks up and clasps Dean’s shoulder.  “That was one hell of a feast, man.” 

“Thanks,” Dean says.

“You doing okay?  You seemed a bit off at times during dinner,” Sam tells him. 

“Yeah,” Dean assures him.  “Just tired from getting my Bobby Flay on.” 

Sam smiles.  “Get some rest.  You deserve it.” With that, Sam walks off towards his room. 

Dean sighs as he walks into the library.  He sees a book open and facing down on the table and goes to pick it up: _Pride and Prejudice_ by Jane Austen. 

_“I’ve been reading a lot of classics lately.  I find that literature helps me to better understand myself.”_  

Dean looks at the page that had been left open.  His eyes are drawn to a specific quote: “In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” 

Dean’s heart sinks as he considers what happened between them in Rowena’s test that can never come to pass now.  In a fit of frustration, Dean slams the book closed and chucks it across the room.

He storms off towards the bedrooms and finds himself hovering outside Cas’s door.  He raises his fist to knock, but pauses. Part of him wants to say “screw it” and wrench that door open in order to make things right, but if he’s to take on Michael, he can’t have that distraction.  That weakness. 

He opens his fist and briefly touches the door, mourning what might have been.  Then, with his mind set and his heart heavy, he turns and leaves Cas behind.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! I know it's angsty and that ending isn't exactly optimistic, but I might write a companion piece to this so that there's a happier ending. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!


End file.
